Happiness...it took me almost two years to find a sense of peace and happiness after my diagnosis. When you are told that you are positive it feels as if the world comes to a complete and utter halt, everything starts moving in slow motion . For me, it was a blur of tests, information, fear, sadness, anger, and nights of uncontrollable crying. You know what though, that was and is OKAY! I went through the "positive grieving" backwards. I threw myself into work, I went full force into what I needed to do to be healthy, and then I was so angry and disgusted that I couldn't even look at myself in a reflection, let alone an actual mirror. My boyfriend gave me HIV.  I couldn't stand the sight of him. I told one person--my boss, and he was the only one that I didn't feel was disgusted when I was around. Then it was sadness and fear I felt. Those days were black . I felt like I couldn't connect with anyone, my only haven was ARcare-they understood. I couldn...

When I was first told I had HIV, the doctors said I was going to die three different times within a year. Nobody knew why I was sick. The doctors ran test after test only to tell me that they didn’t know why I was sick. When they finally discovered I was HIV positive, they didn’t want to treat me. They didn’t even want me in the doctor’s office. I am a good person and I didn’t like being treated like I was something less than others because I was sick. I was so depressed that I gave up for a long time. I didn’t want to live if this was all there was left. I am a good person and I didn’t like being treated like I was something less than others because I was sick. I am so thankful for my family. They stayed right there, encouraging me, telling me to find a doctor and get well. They loved me and stuck with me. Even when I was sick and looked bad they were there for me. I am glad to say I am healthy now, I have a great family, and in a relationship with a great man. The only thing...

As far as I can remember I have been lonely and craved a way to soothe that horrible feeling. I was abused as a child. My Dad was always angry. I never saw him hit my mother or siblings but as the oldest and he hit me often. Years after I had left home he said he hit me because he knew I was different and he was angry that his son was different. I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I was never a “gay” son, but I was gay. I never admitted it to anyone, never even mentioned it to anyone, but nevertheless I was. And this deep feeling that I was not wanted and somehow a failure to my dad caused me to remain hopelessly lonely. ...my experiences made me feel good and bad at the same time. When I graduated college and went into the workforce, I finally got brave enough to try to figure out sex. My feelings of loneliness and failure were overwhelming. Websites and adult bookstores were so easy to access, and they were filled with people. These sites also allowed me to remain anon...

Childhood nightmares... I had plenty. There were many occasions I would be startled from my sleep by a bad dream or awaken in the middle of the night to a room full of darkness complete with “monsters” under my bed and in my closet. I would cry out and my parents would come to my rescue. They would sit on my bed and lovingly stroke my forehead and say, “Everything is going to be ok!” This was such a comfort to me and my fears would disappear. I should point out my parents couldn’t make all my future bad dreams stop and all the monsters disappear. They couldn’t make all my troubles cease, but at that moment their comforting words and the warmth of their presence would make me believe that “everything would be ok!” Each time we encourage each other we make it easier to stand courageously empowered. The reality of HIV can’t be stopped. Those of us living with HIV understand that dark days come, fears often mount and the monsters line up to beat us down. I can’t stop them, though ...