Keep on Climbing

As far as I can remember I have been lonely and craved a way to soothe that horrible feeling. I was abused as a child. My Dad was always angry. I never saw him hit my mother or siblings but as the oldest and he hit me often. Years after I had left home he said he hit me because he knew I was different and he was angry that his son was different. I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but I was never a “gay” son, but I was gay. I never admitted it to anyone, never even mentioned it to anyone, but nevertheless I was. And this deep feeling that I was not wanted and somehow a failure to my dad caused me to remain hopelessly lonely.

...my experiences made me feel good and bad at the same time.


When I graduated college and went into the workforce, I finally got brave enough to try to figure out sex. My feelings of loneliness and failure were overwhelming. Websites and adult bookstores were so easy to access, and they were filled with people. These sites also allowed me to remain anonymous in my sexual activity, at least to a certain degree.

The first time I went into a bookstore was fearful and exciting at the same time. There were guys everywhere who immediately were interested in me! My first time I signed on to a hook-up website, I was amazed at how many people were interested in me. The fact that they wanted me was intoxicating.

I continued to seek to soothe my loneliness at those places. This may sound weird to you, but my experiences made me feel good and bad at the same time. I hated that I was continuing to fail my dad by “being different,” but I also liked the feeling that someone wanted me...even if just for a few minutes.

One experience led to another, and then to another. I would feel the strange mixture of failure and good each time. What I found was that I needed that “good” feeling more often and it would be shorter times in between times I needed. My need to soothe this loneliness was as strong as any drug addiction. The way I was attempting to soothe my pain was like cotton candy. I appeared to be what I wanted, and was sweet to taste, but when you bite into it, there was nothing there of substance.

Just because it was anonymous doesn’t change the fact that what happened was real. I could pretend I was not a failure, and I could fool myself into enjoying the warmth of contact as a substitute for true intimacy, but it would never happen. I could pretend there were no consequences to my actions, but that isn’t reality. My activities escalated into several nights a week and usually multiple partners each night. Since it was anonymous there is really no way to tell who or when I was infected with HIV.
HIV is not my whole life, but it is part of my journey.
My infection has actually been a good thing for me in one way. I have found many friends and “family” within the HIV community. I have been able to learn how to feel closeness and acceptance from my HIV family. I can love them and they love me and not just unfulfilling experiences.

I know now, that I was never going to be what my dad wanted, that was his problem. I am a good person, I am kind to others and treat them the way I want to be treated. I worship, I work, I give. I love and want to be loved. I think that should be good enough for anyone!

HIV is not my whole life, but it is part of my journey. I fight the feelings of loneliness and failure every day. Living with HIV reminds me of it sometimes, but I am thankful that I am not sick, and that I have a great doctor. I am glad that meds have enabled my life to not be destroyed by HIV and that it didn’t take my life like it has so many others.

So much of life is struggling up a hill alone, from one loss to another, hoping that the skies will clear one day. BUT you gotta keep on climbing. Someday soon, there will be joy, the joy only known by the overcomer.
 
-Eric, 7 years

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